Twenties are hard. Speaking from someone that is just scratching the surface of mid-twenties, I am feeling the growing pains of adulthood. I’ve clung to words of wisdom and advice from older individuals around me to remedy my self-proclaimed quarter-life crises, but to no avail–very little stuck with me. It felt like no words could match or uplift my feelings. I convinced myself my experience wasn’t universal.
“You just don’t get it,” I hastily responded to my mom over 1000 miles away; my muffled tears audible through the other side of the phone. How was I supposed to choose one job to pour hours of my life into when I had so many interests? I waded through this season of unknown the only way I knew how: head on and on my own. I tended to my own confusion by clinging to stable and tangible things, my emotions not falling under either category. I was lost, and I covered it up with working longer hours, more time alone, and convincing myself I had everything under control.
Until it all felt too heavy, too much. I have no other way to describe it: it was just too much.
I had to stop taking everything so seriously. Each decision I made was not life or death, mistakes can be fixed, grudges can be forgiven, and each choice was just as it stood–a choice. Life is made up of an unquantifiable amount of them–the beauty is in the freedom of it.
It makes me think of Sylvia Plath’s fig tree metaphor that explores the fear of making choices that potentially mean missing out on other possibilities. Each branch on the fig tree displays many different options and paths. So for me, choosing one career when I could see myself happy in at least eight, felt like I was missing out or behind on other careers I could potentially be happier with. I was chasing “what ifs” and the idea of happiness. While I exhausted myself in the pursuit, the world was passing me by. I had to begin to trust myself, that I would see an idea and a passion into fruition and not be consumed by daydreaming of other options. I needed to remind myself that I am not my ideas or interests; I am just the container of them.
So, I wielded and foraged my own path, a path into the world of freelance writing. In an attempt to not feel confined to one interest, I merged them and began a business from the uniqueness of each one. I can write about the importance of holistic wellness and natural living, advocate for the environment and wildlife, break down scientific research for science communication, share the underplayed coolness of regenerative agriculture, and above all, I can create a more conscious community of others by doing so. I can use the power of words and storytelling as my vessel for connection, way of expression, art, and continuing to act on creative ideas.
I am working towards not looking for the sun in a dark cloud and acknowledging the cloud for what it is–just another cloud. I’m admiring the beauty and opportunity for a perspective change the shadows allow me to make. Nature’s reminder that the only constant is change.
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